October 2001
By Ornery Housewife

I hope none of you mind that I am not using this forum to be overly poetic, smart, positive, funny or entertaining. Just venting anger.
I always thought I should write a book about it, so this will have to do. Maybe 100words.com will put out a book of its entries someday and I'd get my wish. My book would've been similar to the novelty ones like "10,000 things to be Happy About" with the difference being… well… y'know … bitching.

 

I'd like to start off the month on a good note and give out my handy tips on how to handle people that bug you:
Booming cars at stop lights usually have their windows open. Use this time to throw in a cold cup of coffee that you left in your cupholder that morning.
If someone at the grocery store is annoying you, make sure to pick up one of those gross white beehive-looking things from the meat department and slip it in their cart. That, or some sort of anal itch cream. They'll be amused when they get to the cashier.

 

Tips (continued)

Slip vasoline or solidified bacon grease under the door handle of someone's car.
They'll stop and think:
'Hey, I get it! I shouldn't cut people off in traffic anymore!'
When you're watching a movie in the theater and someone is blabbing loudly in your vicinity, try the following: Jump up and down screaming 'SHUT UP' while flailing your popcorn around everyone in nearby rows.
No one will talk after that because they'll think you're some loony-toons about to go postal on the crowd.

Speaking of the post office!! Oh wait… they deserve an entry all their own …

 

People's personal websites that are loaded with shitty animated GIFs, obnoxious backgrounds, blinking text, counters, and dead links are great because they usually have a guestbook.
This gives one a golden opportunity to reflect your feelings about the eyesore they call their "homepage." Take advantage of guestbooks, you'll be glad you did.

 

Apostrophes! Yes even apostrophes annoy me…but only when they're grossly misused. When I see a professionally done sign that says "Best burrito's in town" I want to get down on my knees and weep.
I even went so far as to make up little pieces of paper with the rules explained, hoping to leave them near the offending sign/banner/flyer/whatever.
You know what happened? I carried those motherfuckers around in my purse for six months and never saw one. Anyway, that sums up my life and my luck in a nutshell. Some people call it Murphy's law, I call it par.

 

Attention all people who wear sunglasses indoors, I have an announcement to make. You are not cool.
You look fucking stupid.
Whenever I see some asshole in the mall wearing his Ray Bans I want to snatch them off his ignorant face, throw them to the floor and grind them to smithereens under my heel.

Someday I will go up to someone and ask if they need assistance. When they ask why I'll say because I thought you were blind wearing those glasses in here. If you are one of the people who do this, I hope you feel stupid now.

 

I think many of you think I would be prone to road rage. You are right, of course, but lets be productive and try to point out things you should not do while driving.

1. When merging, do not come to stop and sit there with your blinker on. Get moving with the traffic and someone will let you in. If you have to, drive in the breakdown-lane.

2. …..You know what? Nevermind. I can't possibly start to list the things that make me go ape shit behind the wheel, so let's just drop it before I blow an artery.

 

Next time you walk into a restaurant and they ask you if you want 'smoking' or 'non' just say "It doesn't matter as long as there's a screaming baby nearby!"
They'll be happy to accommodate you.

Either the parents are completely numb to it after tuning it out for so long, or they think it's cute. Shooting disdainful looks at the offending monster usually doesn't help much but try this tip:
If the kid is old enough to comprehend anything get his attention and then make a mean face at it. It will make you feel better, believe me.

 

Let's say you're standing in a store looking at a display of stuff. You're reading the box or whatever.
Did you ever have someone come over and get between you and the thing you're looking at? And it's like they had to weasel their way between you and it because you're only 3 feet away from it?
That has happened to me a lot and I stand there dumbfounded. Hello? Am I invisible? Do I have my cloaking device enabled? Those are the times I wish I had "fart in a can" or something… Or put gum in their hair.

 

If the Post Office was a business, they would be out of business. You think Airport luggage screeners are lackadaisical!?? They look like the Tasmanian Devil compared to Postal workers.
Christmas is the worst time to have to endure extra stress and where do we go?
To a wait in a big fat line with other stressed out people. Don't mess with that crowd.
The next Survivor show should make people go across the country just line jumping at the Post Office!
Offset the anger by having the person hand out Fruit Rollups to the waiting crowd. Now THAT'S edgy.

 

I live in this little froo-froo part of town. All the people are the same.
They all drive beemers, they all jog with their babies in those little bicycle push things, they all have labs or golden retrievers, they're all white, and they're all happy and pleasant. You'd think that'd be a great place to live. Ideal, even.
Well, to me it's like that movie the Stepford Wives where they're all brainwashed and eerie. Nothing bothers these people. It's like Whoville around here where they always end up holding hands and singing songs no matter what's happened. "Fah who for-aze, Dah who dor-aze, welcome Christmas come this way…"

Except my heart never grows 10 sizes.

 

You'd think a logical person like me wouldn't be superstitious. Well, you're right except for finding pennies. I have to abide by that, but with my own set of rules, not like the kind you're used to hearing. Sometimes always following the rules really sucks, so I've decided to follow only the ones that are important or ones that you could get caught for (like not killing people). To know the difference between rules and objectives are important too.

 

Don't you hate it when you bite into an Egg McMuffin and it squeaks? I do.
Here is a list of some of my other pet peeves:
People who somehow hog up the entire aisle in the grocery store

Sitting down and then realizing the remote control is way across the room.

Beanie Babies

Country music

Litter

Car dealership commercials

When you're busy concentrating on something important and someone comes up to you and says 'Smile!' Like I'm supposed to be some fucking Barbie Doll that has a permanent smile glued to her blissfully ignorant face. I'm BUSY here. Shoo.

 

I can't wait to get my grubby little hands on a Ginger.
I can't wait to fly around in my personal hover-mobile, or ride my water-fueled scooter, or zap across town in a telephone booth sized transporter device. Whatever it is, I just know it's gonna be great!! No more traffic!!! I will be able to soar over the treetops as the crow flies, no red lights, no dick-heads cutting you off or tailgating you, no bus fumes, no jams, backups or construction!
Come on Dean Kamen, we're all waiting for you, and bursting at the seams.

 

I am not a people person. …and every job out there wants someone with these "people skills." Apparently a LOT of people out there have lied on job interviews. You can go into any store anywhere and get ignored completely.
I know why this drives me insane.
For years I worked for a company that insisted on excellent customer relations, and upheld it.
Billed the "Happiest Place on Earth." I had to grit my teeth and smile at assholey people and point with two god-damned fingers instead of one. Where's the payback now?

 

Lets talk about Blockbuster Video store. You know the place, the one run by sullen 17 year olds.
I wish I could personally shove a video tape sideways up the ass of every one of them.
One extremely fat and ugly chick actually rolled her eyes at me one day when I had the audacity to ask why someone else was renting movies on my account. I wanted to reach across that counter and grab a handful of her greasy hair and shove her face through that plate glass window.
I now boycott them and buy pay per view movies.

 

I get a lot of enjoyment out of riling people up.

You think its easy being as clever as I am and not having a job?

A person has to do something to occupy time after all.
We have this privacy service on our phone that screens out unsolicited calls. I am thinking of disabling it, so at least I could look forward to fucking with the telemarketers again. Do you think it's mean to fill up an old handbag with dog shit and leave it on the sidewalk for someone to find? Can't you just see them unzipping it and getting that fresh waft of poo?
To me, that is the epitome of hilarity.

 

i have to b going now will i c you l8r call me sandy

Okay, who gave anyone the green light to start all this crap on the internet about not using their shift key?
What happened to punctuation?
What happened to whole words??
Why is that considered okay?
Why is laziness okay just because it's on someone's website, an instant message, or in an email?
If you are 12 years old, then I could see how it's entertaining, but mature adults? Think next time, THINK… who will be reading this? Should I put on my secret decoder ring now and ride my bike over to 7-11 for candy?

 

Did you ever wish people in other cars could hear what you said about them when they're driving? Not to piss them off, but to show them how witty you can be when you are swearing at them.

But then if they did hear you, you would be considered a 'mean' person and you would 'suck'.

Sometimes I wish I could be as mean as I wanted to and just get away with it. That is why I always wanted to live in New York City. It's expected, and accepted there.

 

If I were invisible I would do nothing but play mean tricks on people all day.
I hope I'd be inaudible, too because I wouldn't be able to contain my uproarious laughter.

Examples:
Tip over a waiter's tray just as they delivering food to a table. Do this to the same table every time he tries to bring the food. See how long they stay and wait.

Go somewhere where a man is giving an important speech to a lot of people and keep plucking individual hairs out of his head while he's up there. Or do small fingernail pinches on all different parts of his body.
Either way, watching him swat and wince would be priceless!