Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

  It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a
   pack of wild dogs.
   Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is
   why several of us died of tuberculosis.
   Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word
   itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words -
   "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and
   that's why so is mankind.
   I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they
   don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
   some good ideas.
   It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that
   I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned
   him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I
   helped skin Bob."
   I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash
   is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash
   stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and
   go, "What was THAT?!"
   The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
   Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can
   bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little
   tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be
   like ambition.
   I'd rather be rich than stupid.
   If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of
   conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't
   think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
   If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
   screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man,
   I guess I'm a coward.
   I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
   culture, is the story of Popeye.
   When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if
   they ever press charges.
   To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
   choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
   What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to
   save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
   We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at
   them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
   Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
   striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
   I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon
   was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand,
   pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
   To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
   wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
   went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
   As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that
   was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all,
   but A HUMAN HEAD!!
   Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
   painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can
   make a child look like a deer.
   If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
   down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
   Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his
   head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
   You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who
   make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe
   Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
   calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the
   doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know
   what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in
   the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I
   usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
   If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then
   gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
   If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to
   keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we
   build to that.
   If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
   you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because,
   hey, free dummy.
   I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes,
   I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
   Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones
   neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh,
   because what is that thing.
   He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
   made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
   disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
   dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging,
   he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
   The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to
   me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was
   - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there
   were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as
   we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we
   called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went
   home. I guess some things never leave you.
   If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
   is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
   thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
   Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the
   world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark
   riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything
   they see.
   As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta
   said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should
   write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started
   saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And
   I thought I was lazy!
   One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
   take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old
   burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He
   cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty
   good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was
   getting pretty late.
   If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
   think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be
   wrong, though. It's Hambone.
   Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's
   what her dinner tasted like.
   We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
   wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore
   he picked up in town.
   I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
   town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
   As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray,
   I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he
   was, and how I named him Flint.
   If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's
   real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
   Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
   instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she
   fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
   If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you
   friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to
   pretend you were swimming.
   When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
   we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat
   one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman
   was a bear.
   I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're
   sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of
   "Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I don't think she would
   know sensuality if it bite her on the ass."
   "If you drop your keys into molten lava just let 'em go 'cause, man,
   they're gone."
   Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious
   old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone
   about the tresure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story.
   Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes
   story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This
   story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started
   thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was
   over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long
   after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good
   movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
   Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
   flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a very
   beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
   painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
   In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
   automatically disqualify you.
   Blow ye winds, like the trumpet blows; but without that noise.
   When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it.
   Probably, the gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the
   back and said, "Hey, good job."
   I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and
   nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd
   spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where
   it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all
   thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
   If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it
   Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which
   is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the
   other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the
   trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of
   I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both
   Dracula AND Superman away.
   Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it
   clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be
   amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out.
   I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what
   was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team,
   aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You
   made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your
   helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either
   steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to
   tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was
   saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of
   this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he
   can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
   If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
   think like dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be
   wrong though. It's Hambone.
   When I herad that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I
   thought, we humans are kind of like that: we grow a new layer of skin
   each year, and after many years we are thick and unwieldy from all our
   skin layers.
   Martha says the interesting thing about fly fishing is that it's two
   lives connected by a thin strand. Come on, Martha. Grow up.
   The old pool shooter has won many a game in his life. But now it was
   time to hang up the cue. When he did all the other cues came crashing
   to the floor. "Sorry," he said with a smile.
   If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain
   lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tell the reader we are
   going to have fun with this thing.
   Even though he was and enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had
   accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me,
   then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
   If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or
   the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating
   it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy
   ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys,
   let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
   "Boy, these are good cigars!"
   The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of
   the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco latrine.
   I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large
   shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night,
   you could eat him. How about it, science?
   I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That
   was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher."
   "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time,"
   Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back
   and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head
   back. I didn't say it was an interesting story.
   Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and
   knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a
   lucky swing.
   Too bad there's not such a thing as a golden skunk, because you'd
   probably be proud to be sprayed by one.
   To me, truth is not some vauge, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at
   the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between,
   plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing'.
   This is truth, to me.
      I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was
   going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to
   destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the
   eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something,
   but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and
   everyone would get a good laugh.
   I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I
   like people to do what I say.
   Today I accidentally stepped on a snail on the sidewalk in front of
   our house. And I thought, I too am like that snail. I build a
   defensive wall around myself, a 'shell' if you will. But my shell
   isn't made out of a hard protective substance. Mine is made out of
   tinfoil and paper bags.
   A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the
   dirt and beg for it.
   If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth, in your underwear,
   don't stop and think of what other words have 'under' in them, because
   that's probably the first sign of jungle madness.
   Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to
   throw back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle, and I don't
   care who hears me, because I am beautiful.
   Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're
   an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner nas been
   turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces,
   wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call
   you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think
   again, bat man."
   I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger,
   but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs,
   but they wouldn't eat as much.
   I bet for an Indian, shooting a old fat pioneer woman in the back with
   an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over,
   is like the top thing you can do.
   I think a good mavie would be about a guy who's a brain scientist, but
   he gets hit on the head and it damages the part of the brain the makes
   you want to study the brain.
   I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fisherman caught a big shark
   and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut
   the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby
   shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's
   a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy--
   something like that.
   It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up
   about a hundred drumsticks, the the guy at the Marineland says, "You
   can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat
   fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up.
   If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how
   much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for
   We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at
   them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
   It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and
   crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and
   the kid could put it on and really scare you.
   If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think
   you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
   People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But
   they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
   If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
   holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck
   cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering
   iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I
   could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering
   iron of justice." Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed,
   because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could
   probably hit them up for a free drink.
   When I think back on all the blessings I have been given in my life, I
   can't think of a single one, unless you count that rattlesnake that
   granted me all those wishes.
   I hope in the future Americans are thought of as a warlike, vicious
   people, because I bet a lot of high schools would pick 'Americans' as
   thier mascot.
   Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think,
   "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
   If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play,
   just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your
   I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top
   of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of
   cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they
   even hit.
   If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act,
   I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown,
   because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just
   too much."
   Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in
   the ground, and if it opend wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your
   arms around, like you're going to fall in.
   If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of
   people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really
   be surprised.
   It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.
   Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in
   another fight, away from the first fight.
   I think a good way to get into a movie is to show up where they're
   making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto you buttocks and
   start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny,
   and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
       Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them
   'impressions' and it you got a diffrent 'impression' so what, can't we
   all be brothers?
   If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like
   enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
   Probably to a shark about the funniest thing there is is a wounded
   seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S
   Perhaps, if I am very lucky, the feeble efforts of my lifetime will
   someday be noticed, and maybe, in some small way, they will be
   acknowledged as the greatest works of genius ever created by Man.

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