Deep Thoughts Contest

 From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate 

"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"


My young son asked me what happens after we die.  I told him we get 

buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies.  I guess I 

should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn 

eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

- - - - -

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's 

birthday, like they do for the queen.  Of course, then we would have a 

lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, 

just for the long weekends.

- - - - -

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting 

just any old yokel vote.

- - - - -

Home is where the house is.

- - - - -

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. 

That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

- - - - -

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a 

few minutes each day.  At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of 

days saved up.

- - - - -

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an 

accident.  No, wait.  That would be good because if anyone needed it, 

the blood would be right there.

- - - - -

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept 

the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

- - - - -

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think 

it odd that I drive without pants.

- - - - -

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.  Then 

the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.  That's 

what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

- - - - -

Think of the biggest number you can.  Now add five.  Then, imagine if 

you had that many Twinkies.  Wow, that's five more than the biggest 

number you could come up with!

- - - - -

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. 

- - - - -

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe 

"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is 

morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

- - - - -

Once, I wept for I had no shoes.  Then I came upon a man who had no 

feet.  So I took his shoes.  I mean, it's not like he really needed 

them, right?

- - - - -

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again.  But he better 

have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

- - - - -

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why 

I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash 

clothes on the last day of their life?

- - - - -

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some 

people think he should be.  Then, I remember it's because he sucks. 

- - - - -

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think 

about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"

- - - - -

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add 

the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.

- - - - -

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. 

Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of 

his stuff.  Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.


I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry.  I imagine 

that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of 

water for some tiny cities by the lake.  As the lake gets drier, the 

population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. 

Once there was a big fire and everyone died.


I once heard the voice of God.  It said "Vrrrrmmmmm."  Unless it was 

just a lawn mower.


I gaze at the brilliant full moon.  The same one, I think to myself, 

at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.  Suddenly, I imagine 

they appear beside me.  I tell Socrates about the national debate over 

one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. 

I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to 

Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution.  I tell Aristotle 

that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a 

periodic table.  I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one.  They 

gasp with wonder.  We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.


If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world 

peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the 

looting started.

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