Stupid Criminal Hall of Fame

                                      
    Every day, we are assaulted by stories of stupid people--many of whom 
use their stupidity for personal gain. 

>From time to time, though, we hear of those who strive to achieve new 
levels of stupidity *while* also breaking the law. To these brave men 
and women--ooops, "women and men"--we present the highest possible 
honor: entry into the "Stupid-Criminal Hall of Shame." 

Following are their accounts ...

Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a cash 
machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their 
pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, 
though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the 
scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With 
their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license 
plate still attached to the bumper. (Editor's Note 1: And they wonder 
why we call them "Yahoos" ...) 

South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag 
of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was 
substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him be 
arrested immediately. 

Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded 
all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he 
fled--leaving his wallet on the counter. 

England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, showed up at 
customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the 
customs official realized that the tourist did not know what a 
"handicap" was. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate his 
swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics were 
found in the golf bag. 

Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman 
decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day 
Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else* can 
you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back to her 
house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto." 

Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western
movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman who
wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.

Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in 
damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided 
the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years. 

(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, 
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and 
realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask. 

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and 
stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While it was 
recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was located 
elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself 
stealing the camera.) 

(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement 
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the 
process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the money from 
where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window through which he 
had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So he located a phone 
and dialed "911" for help... 

Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new home site to steal a 
refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a 
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup. The 
truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons decided 
that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls, floors, 
etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house and returned to the 
pickup truck only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so 
they abandoned it. 

(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store 
similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. 
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked 
for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The 
man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the 
counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen 
dollars.