Puns

                                      
    
 - To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
 - A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet
 seats,
 and the police didn't have anything to go on.
 - Middle Age:  When actions creak louder than words.
 - Egotist:  One who is me-deep in conversation.
 - Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
 during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


 - Two atoms run into each other. One atom says, "I think I lost an
 electron." The second atom asks, "Are you sure?" The first atom
 replies,
 "I'm positive."


 - Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on
 hard
 tines?
 - Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
 - Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common? A: They

 both involve sandy claws.
 - Archeologist:  A man whose career lies in ruins.

 - Kleptomaniac:  One who can't help himself from helping himself.
 - Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
 - Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him
 a
 pizza my mind.
 - The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer
 type.
 Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
 
 - Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00"

 - Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door? He
 strained himself.
 - California smog test: Can UCLA?
 - The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"
 - Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel? A: Dis-gruntled.
 - A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln
 Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a
 pain
 it was.
 I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."