The Soap Story

   This is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London
   hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved
   submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.
   Dear Maid,
   Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
   bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove
   the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
   and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
   Thank you,
   S. Berman
   Dear Room 635,
   I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
   her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
   you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
   on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
   This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from
   the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
   Kathy, Relief Maid
   Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
   Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
   little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
   you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
   I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
   own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
   the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
   Please remove them.
   S. Berman
   Dear Mr. Berman,
   My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
   we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in
   your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
   was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I
   didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
   the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not
   object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can
   of further assistance.
   Your regular maid,
   Dear Mr. Berman,
   The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
   called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
   service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will
   accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future
   complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
   Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
   Elaine Carmen
   Dear Miss Carmen,
   It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
   business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the
   reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I
   only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
   bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
   new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
   medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
   bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
   of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
   S. Berman
   Dear Mr. Berman,
   Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
   room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,
   please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
   Elaine Carmen,
   Dear Mr. Kensedder,
   My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
   including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to
   call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
   S. Berman
   Dear Mr. Berman,
   I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
   I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our Maids
   are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
   The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my
   apologies for the inconvenience.
   Martin L. Kensedder
   Assistant Manager
   Dear Mrs. Carmen,
   Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
   night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of
   Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize have
   54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give
   me back my bath-size Dial.
   S. Berman
   Dear Mr. Berman,
   You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
   Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so
   I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the
   3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know
   anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy,
   did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
   plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this
   hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory
   which I left in your room.
   Elaine Carmen
   Dear Mrs. Carmen,
   Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
   As of today I possess:
     * On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1
       stack of 2.
     * On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
     * On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
       hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
     * Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of
     * In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
     * On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
     * On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
   Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks
   neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
   than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window
   sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
   deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
   Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
    S. Berman

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