are some quotes that I have collected that I find humorous, or entertaining
in some way.
Most of them are from unknown sources. Feel free to use them as you like.
not that life is so short, it's that you're dead for so long""
"Pushing 40 is exercise enough."
"You can lead a yak to water, but you can't teach an old dog
to make a silk purse out of a pig in a poke."
"To Err is human, to moo bovine."
"What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?"
"Save the whales. Collect the whole set."
"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once."
"Food. It's what's for dinner"
"Beer. It's what's for dinner."
"Will cook for food."
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition
from mediocre minds." Albert Einstein
"Life is short. Silence is long."
"I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally."
"It's hard to work in groups when you're omnipotent." Q from Star Trek:NG
"DOS never says: 'Exellent command or file name.'"
"Anybody who claims that marriage is a 50/50 proposition
doesn't know anything about women or fractions."
"My wife and I have a perfect understanding... I don't try to
run her life, and I don't try to run mine."
"Take me drunk...I'm home."
"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."
An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.
The reason lightening doesn't strike twice in the same place is
that the same place isn't there the second time.
Every morning in Africa, a Gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run
faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed ... Every morning a Lion
wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest Gazelle or it will starve
to death. It doesn't matter whether you are a Lion or a Gazelle ... when
the sun comes up, you'd better be running.
Courage is not limited to the battlefield or the Indianapolis 500
or bravely catching a thief in your house. The real tests of courage
are much quieter. They are the inner tests, like remaining faithful
when nobody's looking, like enduring pain when the room is empty,
like standing alone when you're misunderstood.
"We could never learn to be brave and patient if there was only joy in the world." -Helen Keller
"There are three reasons for breast-feeding: The milk is always at the
right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can't get it." --Irena Chalmers
"Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami
on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies. " - Milton Berle
"You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full
of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the
clue mating dance." -Edward Flaherty
"Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?"
"Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her."
"If atheism is a religion, then health is a disease."
law: Whatever can go wrong will.
Cole's law: Thinly sliced cabbage
I got some bad news today. You know the money you get from those
ATM machines? It comes from "your" account!
Label suggestion for your homemade wine "I can't believe it's not Vinegar".
ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
For good writing - never abbrev.
A Rental Car: The only true all-terrain vehicle.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
"I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each
time a woman got pregnant, someone left town."
"I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it."
"I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter."
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"The beatings will continue until morale improves."
"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out."
"Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines."
"All those who believe in pychokinesis raise my hand."
"Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?"
"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."
"Laughing Stock: Cattle with a sense of humor."
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
"3 kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who can't."
"Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice."
"I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left."
"I've found Jesus. He was hiding behind the sofa the whole time."
"The bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat."
"God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him."
"A PBS mind in an MTV world"
"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
"Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art."
"Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana."
"I'm just working here 'til a good fast-food job opens up."
"Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply."
"It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're running out of napkins."
"Remember: 'I' before 'e' except in Budweiser."
"A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, and mean your mother."
"If at first you don't succeed-give up! No use being a damn fool."
"Cleanliness is next to "clean-limbed," according to Webster's.
"The Earth is like a grain of sand, only bigger."
"Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
"I killed a six-pack just to watch it die."
"Today's subliminal message is:"
"I was raised by a pack of wild corn dogs."
can say any fool thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this
look that says, 'My God, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought
of that!'" Dave Barry
not the *gun* that kills you . . . it's these LITTLE HARD THINGS!"
Anal Retentive have a hyphen??
Due to rising energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
Somewhere, Somehow A cat is watching you.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
"Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool. "
Some people call it a six-pack, but to me, it's a support group.
What if the hokey-pokey IS what it's all about?
Just once, I wish someone would call me "sir" without adding "you're making a scene."
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you
I saw the light at then of the tunnel but it was some bastard
with a torch bringing me more work.
are two major products to come out of Berkeley:
LSD and UNIX... We don't believe this to be a coincidence."
"Old programmers never die, they just get reallocated."
"Another megabytes the dust."
"E. Plurbus UNIX"
"I came, I saw, I deleted all your files."
"My computer isn't nervous, it's just a bit ANSI."
"To err is human...to really f*** things up requires the root password."
"Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue."
"The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER "
"Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I."
"BREAKFAST.COM Halted.....Cerial Port Not Responding... "
"The name is Baud...James Baud. "
"How do I set a laser printer to stun?"
"Smash forehead against keyboard to continue."
"(A)bort,(R)etry,(G)et a beer?
A computer is a Genie that can grant any wish. The catch is you
must specify your wish exactly, in binary.
"A computer without a Microsoft operating system is like
a dog without bricks tied to it's head"
"There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't."
for predictability, Linux for reliability, Palm for mobility, Windows for solitaire."
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